Blog

Sleepless nights

I’m awake and wanting so badly to go back to sleep. The baby woke up crying and of course I’m the one that has to go sooth him back to sleep..annoying!

I’m going to be so tired all day..I plan on being lazy..I probably won’t move from the couch..unless it’s needed. I can hear partner sleeping away.I want to put a pillow over his face.

I had a bit of anxiety yesterday, but I kept my self busy..running errands..taking Colin to the park..I had to take more meds than I usually take to calm myself..so I’m hoping on a less anxiety day today..ohhh man I hope.

We’ve  been really busy and to tell you the truth I was sleeping great. But not today..ughh annoying. I need sleeping pills..the strongest out there!!!

Just a check in

Hello eveyone.It has been a long time since my last blog entry..I’ve been extremely busy and just dealing with life. I got Colin enrolled in preschool that has been a major change. At this time we only have him going one day a week for four hours. The place and teacher is amazing! She has 5 assistance and they have a lady that comes 3 times a week to teach spanish..that’s amazing! Well worth the money spent. Colin will be going full time in the near future, as our new business will aquire both my partner’s and my full attention..probably 7 days a week for the first couple months..as we get a full handle on the way things are ran. It should be happening really fast..we are getting very excited and a bit stressed out.

This past week we made a hard decision to sell our much loved truck. It was the nicest truck you’ve ever seen.. all the bells and whistles. But we are paying cash for our new business and we needed two new box trucks. So we decided to sell the truck for 40k and buy the trucks cash.we had 3 cars so this choice was fine. But we also said we would be soon buying a more family friendly vehicle.

Saturday morning I woke and looked at partner..I said let’s drop Colin at my parents and go look at the Toyota highlander limited.. that’s what partner wants..I didn’t so much..I wanted a Kia..So, we did just that..partner was emailing a sales man and was making deals..before I ever knew it. After we test drove the exact model..partner told the man we will take it! So off we drove in our new family, fully loaded..extremely too nice!! SUV..I love it.

So..back to my anxiety..it’s been low and I’m feeling amazing. No new news is great news. I’ll write more, but I must get Colin up from his nap time.

I’ll write more tonight..to catch up and to tell you all some of my complaints and worries

Just a check in..

I’m having a hard week and anxiety is running a muck.. I have a very sick father, grandfather and of course there is me..very sick! My anxiety is high and I can barely function..and I have had little sleep. I just want sleep! I’ve been dropping some weight, cause anxiety makes you sick to your stomach.

I want to address the beautiful and sad emails I’ve received..they are loving and some sad.. I will not use names, but one beautiful soul reached out to me.. she lost her son to anxiety..suicide. I feel for her, but I also feel for her son. This disease is horrific!! And I can relate to not wanting to live like this. But I must truck on..I have a baby and family and a great team of doctors. I will beat this…I WILL BEAT THIS!

I have been forcing myself to get out more.. parties, bridal showers, stores.. I’m getting better at getting out and about. That’s the best thing for anxiety.

Tonight my mom and dad are bringing dinner over..oh, I love not cooking! I’m excited.

This weekend partner will be gone to vegas..Batchelor party, ufc fight.. and I’ll be in Palm springs..for a birthday party. I’m nervous. I don’t like driving in areas I don’t know, but it will be so much fun.

My therapist asked me what would the old strong you do? I’ve been thinking about that question and I will blog later tonight my answer..but for now I must get dressed and be first in line for an oil change..

Thank you for following my blog and progress.. I need help and this makes it easy..even though my blog has slowed way down.I hope to pick it up again soon.

God bless, Happy Thursday

Extremely tired

The doctor switched my meds from buspar to Lexapro and from xanex to kolonapin..bummer on the buspar part..Lexapro makes me sleepy..I can’t even think correctly. I’m thinking of talking to my shrink on the 16th to see if I can change back to buspar.

My weekend was great! Made it through a bridal shower..with zero anxiety!! Wonderful.

I really am sleepy so I’m cutting this post short. I just wanted to check in and tell you I feel like a zombie! I hope to blog more soon..let the meds adjust and I’ll be back at blogging as usual.

Good night

Saturday morning silence

It’s Saturday and the boys left to go eat at IHOP..

I haven’t blogged in some time..I’ve been really depressed and anxiety has been running a muck. I saw my doc. That switched my meds to Lexapro and kolonapin.. I’m reluctant to take the Lexapro I do not do well on ssri. So I will wait to see what my therapist and shrink have to say…I really liked my buspro..and am sad to leave it behind.

Today I have a bit more anxiety..I have a bridal shower to attend and not looking forward to it, but I’m sure it will be fine.

My sleep is all out of wack and that sends me into panic mode..my blood pressure and pulse have been pretty high. I’m loosing hope that I will ever feel better..this leaves me sad and scared. I just want to feel like me again. Being trapped in a body you have no control over is frightening. I no longer see the light at the end of the tunnel.

How did I get here? How did this become my life? This is so out of character for me.. I’m such a free spirit..no worries! Now I’m full of worry and stress..will I ever be normal again?

I’m brave.. I know I am..I have shared my story and seeking help to fix my self. But am I doing enough?

If my child and partner cause my anxiety..what kind of life is this? Is the answer to leave or to just seek medical treatment..I love my life, but my life is killing me.

I never saw my life as married or with children.. I saw my life a working, self reliant human..now I’m a house wife with a baby..not something I planned..but something I love!!!

We also have dreams, but those dreams don’t always come true.. God has bigger plans for us and we must roll with his plans. I believe in God’s plan and I will alow him to take the wheel and direct me in the path I need to be.

Happy Saturday..I won’t let anxiety win today..I will nip it in the butt.

Monday nothings

Monday morning.. here you are, I’m finally awake to blog  in the early hours..

Friday night I was so uncomfortable, I took my 3 allowed xanex and tried to push forward..but my panic attack had me in its hold. Once again I’d be back in the hospital.

I have a doc appointment Wednesday..I’m hoping to move to a higher dose or a totally different class of benzos. One that has longer lasting affects. Or maybe  just something stronger would help.

After feeling better..I came home and could finally get some sleep..panic attacks suck! My body hurts.

Sunday we got out of the house and saw the trains in peris.not too fancy, but it got us out and about..so that was nice.

I’m interested what g.p will have to say now..or what she will do. That stresses me out..it feels like medication musical chairs. Just find the group of meds that work and let’s move on.

I some times lose hope I’ll ever feel normal again..that bumms me out. Between sleep deprivation and attacks I feel like I’m going crazy.

What if I always feel this way? What a bummer.

I’ve looked into natural herbs, but a lot of them can create panic attacks..they can bring up serotonin levels in your brain that cause you to have more attacks. Atleast that’s what I’m understanding when reading.

Here’s to a low anxiety day..just relaxing and no running around

 

Just a small

Well, it’s Wednesday night..I’ve started to blog at night cause I’m having trouble sleeping..and I’ve had a bit more anxiety during the day than I usually have. Just the usual uncomfortable tummy butterflies and nerves discomfort, combined with sweaty palms and raised blood pressure..and I’ve been having some many headaches. I’m just trying to go with the flow.

Today Colin and I started our cardio workout..we went on a speed walk for about 45 minutes. It was a beautiful day..the air felt great..a beautiful walk it was..Colin was relaxed and didn’t even talk the whole time.we both really enjoyed it. So we will keep this up.

I’m trying to find some herbal supplements to use instead of medication..so if anyone has any suggestions I’m all ears..I’ll try just about anything.

I’m now just bundled in bed hopefully I’ll have less trouble sleeping tonight..if you have any suggestions for sleep..that would be awesome

Good night Wednesday