Little girl alone

PP

Well, good  day 12 am..I’m awake and no more sleep in sight. That’s ok, I’ll blog and maybe catch an hour more sleep later..my therapist taught me not to fear sleepless nights..if I can’t sleep, so what!

Yesterday I spoke to my best friend of almost 28 years. She suffers with bouts of anxiety..not like mine. Hers comes in different forms. I begged her to seek help..I worry she will become like me, where it will completely take over your life..I want her to speak to someone.before it too late. I really feel anxiety is becoming more of an epidemic. I don’t understand how we all are walking around with this condition.. maybe peoples condition is not as bad as mine, but I can feel their pain. It’s unfair and a horrific way to live. You can not do this alone! That’s why people self medicate. But you don’t need to turn to alcohol or any thing else. There are professional people trained for this disorder..and it’s the best thing you can do for yourself.

The only problem standing in your way is yourself!

As most people know, I’m very protective of colin..I do not allow anyone to watch him for long periods and we have come to agreement he will most likely never attend a sleep over. He can have a million kids at our home, if he wishes. But if  he ever visits another child’s home..I will have to speak and know their parents on a very personal level first.

When I was around 13.. maybe 14 I would stay at a friends house that her father would allow massive parties with young kids..underage drinking and drug use would be allowed. Something terrible happened to me at that home..her father was a horrible man and did horrible unthinkable things to young girls, while they were intoxicated..I was ashamed and afraid to confide in my parents.. they never cared what I did as long as it didn’t disrupt their softball schedule. Later in my life I told my Lil sister. And then my parents..my parents called me a liar..and they didn’t believe me. Sad. Sad to know they would believe it to be a lie. I promised myself if I ever had children..I would be their safe place and make them feel comfortable telling me things..the buck stops here! I will be a loving trusting mom and protect my offspring. No one would hurt my babies..or there will be a price to pay! I’m ok, but I learned just how different parents can be..and I swear on every hair on my head, I will allow a safe life for my kid..or I will sell my soul to bring justice to my child.

I sometimes see this girl post on my friends Facebook and I get sick to my stomach. I hope her father is dead or rotting in a jail cell.

Also when I was in middle school, I would walk home from the bus stop..we lived in the wine country..lots of orange trees where illegal Mexicans would live and find work on people’s property..one day walking home a Mexican exposed himself to me..it frightened me..I ran the whole way home..I called my mom at work crying..she said and I quote ” drink a glass of water and breathe” hmm she should have called the police. But she didn’t know how to handle these situations. 2 months later it happened to my neighbor..the police came out and had a sketch artist make a picture of him..that is the correct response a parent should do. What if he killed or raped her..I would never be able to live with myself.

My life has been crazy..I haven’t been alive for that long, but I have a story fit for 60 year old..I have a long story. But I’m ok. I’m alive and well.and best of all..I’m a better mother for it. Colin will be safe..because I know how to protect him..because of my stories.

I love my parents they just didn’t have the tools to know how to raise 3 totally different children. Yes, they love me. But because of all my life stories..I’m a better human..I take my bad memories and I learn from them..that’s life..learning from life traumatic situations. That’s why I’m making a great mother.

I’m not afraid to share my stories.. my life, my issues..my choice to share. And I feel zero shame..it’s actually liberating.

I love life and nothing can get this tough woman down..OK, maybe just anxiety..she’s a real bitch.

Happy Thursday..share your stories.. you will be surprised how many people can relate and appreciate the real you..in such a fake world. I’m not fake..well maybe just my hair colour and self tanner, but I’m honest and hold no chains.

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