Better all the time

Good morning Wednesday..we are going to have a great day! This is me telling myself, my subconscious we are going to be ok today.

Yesterday I must have been extremely tired, I fell asleep on the couch for maybe 2 hours.. I don’t take naps..I’m afraid of not sleeping. But I did fall asleep.. it took a while, but I did not let it worry me into anxiety.

I’m just allowing my body to do as it needs..I’m not welcoming anxiety..I’m just trying to not fear it.

Yesterday’s therapy session went great..I feel for the man in that chair that has to listen to hundreds of people’s issues..he’s always on point and in a great mood. If I had his job, I think I would carry a lot of sadness. What a hard and complex job he has. But he’s amazing at it..I hope he doesn’t retire his practice in the next 10 years..I might need him that long..and it’s hard to find such amazing help. I’ve seen almost 7 therapist in my life and non of them come close to as incredible. He’s really helped me. I think I might be dead if it wasn’t for him. Yes, that’s what a dark place I was in.. I would contemplate death..it seemed easier..I was uncomfortable and needed great help.

I confided in him my fears of addiction to the benzos.. that’s my fear right now..they rescue me and work wonders..but they are short lived..one pill lasts 4 hours!! He thinks, but is not sure that maybe a shrink will put me on higher meds. That have longer lasting results..yes, that scares me. I’m the kind of person that will check into rehab if I see myself becoming an addict. But he assured me I’m taking the proper steps for recovery.

I’m starting to get a grip on my life..I spoke about how if my partner keeps making my anxiety worse.. I plan on leaving..not because my love for him is gone, but because I need to love myself more and my health is so important. I’ve been in such a dark place I could not see the other side.. yes, suicide crossed my mind. I was really sick.. and it’s ok to be really sick. But I’m smart and strong and I’ve set out to cure myself..instead of throwing in the towel.

I’ve had a lot of friends commit suicide..and I’ve never been angry with them. I understood their pain and needing to leave this earth.. I don’t believe in suicide, but I believe in pain so deep it can destroy your life.

I’ve come to terms that I’m very sick..I have an illness that isn’t very understood. But there are resources for help. If I have a bad attack I can call my doc. Or visit the hospital and I can move on..

I ask my therapist all the time..when will I be better..he of course does not have the answer..he also has to be careful how he words or tells me things.. you know liability and professionalism is key in his practice. But I would love for him to just tell me what to think and do..I just need some direction sometimes.

Life is strange..having a child is supposed to be the happiest moment of your life..and it is! But it also became the darkest and hardest time of my life.. my little bundle of joy has destroyed my brain..giving me panic and anxiety and the dreaded p.p.d.

One day I will look back and see that I conquered the most difficult time in my life…and I’ll be proad of myself..I’ll just keep holding on..cause my life is going to be great! There is hope and I will fight to keep finding it.

My iPad is dying and colin is singing away in his crib..so I must go for now..but I have one more post that will be the hardest post.. I haven’t even spoke to my therapist about yet, but I’m thinking it’s time to break those chains and unleash the worst day of my 14 year old life. It will be hard and I’m not sure I will be posting it to my facebook..so, please read it later with caution..it’s sad, devastating and raw.. but I’m an open book and it’s time to let my secrets out..after all, you are only as sick as your secrets.

Happy, Happy middle of the week. Here’s to low anxiety and happy healing. Try something new today. And if you haven’t seen help for your illness..start today..it’s just one phone call..you do not have to live like this!!

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