Sunday blog

Yesterday I had a very ok day. The buspar is working it’s magic and easing the panic…this I am so greatful for, but my mind is always in constant worry mode..what if I have an attack? My mind is always worrying about this…I just tell myself, if I have an attack I have my meds. I wonder if the day will ever come that I can flush those meds. And move on.

I take every hour just one step at a time. Kinda like an alcoholic in recovery. I know this disease is curable and I will one day be able to enjoy an anxiety free life…when will that day be? Who knows.

Sleep is probably my biggest issue. I woke at 11pm and could not go back to sleep..bummer..so, I did take a xanex and fell back to sleep until around 3 am.. that’s an ok time..I like to blog and relax before crazy baby wakes and our home is a tornado zone.

Today is super bowl and I hope to watch..incase my Lil sister is shown on TV. How exciting. She’s head of all the NFL H.R and has to assist the owner of the Texas football team.

Yesterday I felt so well..I took a long shower, painted my toes and squeezed my post baby body into a pair of pre baby pants and tank top.. wow, score for me!!

I can’t help but sit and ponder how odd anxiety is..like is my mind and body so weak that I can not control my own madness in my brain..or is it that my mind is so strong, that I can not fight this battle? I’m usually a strong minded person.. I do as I please and no one can tell me different. I make my own decisions and learn from my mistakes.. that’s just me. No matter the outcome, I’ll do as I please. I follow no one.

My mom gave me some oils yesterday…I’m not so sure I believe in that kind of stuff. But I’ll try just about anything at this point.

The last attack I had left me feeling like I was in a car crash.. my hair even hurts..I’m still recovering. I get really bad psoriasis in my hair and joints..not as bad as most people’s, but bad enough where it bleeds. It takes some time to heal, but will eventually go away…until the next attack comes.

Being a prisoner of your own body is exhausting and an emotional roller-coaster.. I’m tired, drained and emotionally battered. But I want to take this horrible disease and make something good from it..I want to help others. I’m so lucky to have the best therapist..he truly is the best!! He listens and has tons of feed back and he understands anxiety..even though he might not have panic attacks..he is well trained.and very knowledgeable. I’m not sure I would be at this point without him.

Everyone has anxiety at some point, but not the way I have it..we naturally have anxiety when dealing with life dramas.. the difference for me is, it’s all day long!! I can not escape it.

My doc. Sent in a referral to see a shrink..a doc. That can watch my meds. Probably better than a regular med. Doc. I believe if I could be put on some sort of sleeping med..I could eventually wing off the xanex..that’s my goal. I like to live a more straight edge life style.. we hardly drink and we carry no asprin in our home. So being on meds. Makes me depressed.

But, as of this week..I’m feeling great! I say that with caution. Cause you never know when the attack will strike next.

Happy football Sunday..eat lots of junk and I hope to see my sister on that field.

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