Anxiety is such an odd thing..it’s like having no control over your body. My anxiety shows up in more of a physical than mental state. Even though I now know it starts within my subconscious. It starts in my tummy, like I’m on a ride at Disneyland and climbs it’s way into my nerves…then I get sweaty palms, racing heart beat and the shortness of breathe..and other little annoying symptoms…tingly feeling..if I can not get control, I will spin into the dark side of an attack. Which is high blood pressure, uncontrolled crying and feeling like I’m going to die.
I’ve tried many anti depression meds. But those have very bad affects on me. Buspar has been kinda the only relief I can get..and therapy, but my therapist can not live in my home to help settle my attacks..but it’s working.
I woke this morning at 1 am with that nasty tummy feeling..so annoying! I grabbed my buspar and decided, ok I’ll just stay up for now..I’ll watch TV and relax before my wild child decides to wake and turn my house into a terrorist zone.
My body is insanely tired, but that’s life as a mother.
I would allow Colin to roam our back yard, but it’s flooded from the rains..and I have total ocd and can not stand icky messes..and we just shampoo ed our carpets..my anxiety will run a muck if he destroys our clean carpets..yes, I’m that ocd!!
I felt really good yesterday..I totally cleaned the house did 4 loads of laundry and made it out to the store..and I sold my jogger stroller..yay! One less item in our garage. We own so many unused baby items it’s insane.we’ve been slowly getting rid of the unnecessary clutter..which feels great!
The more I feel better, the more I feel I can complete small tasks..cause anxiety will paralyze you..making you numb and not care about the small tasks..like a clean home, a clean shower or getting out of your yoga pants.. I’d rather stay in a slump..and that’s never good for anxiety. We must push on!! Or we will just be watching time pass.
I’m starting to feel like my partner is understanding my mental illness..cause that’s what this is..no shame!! I have a mental illness..but it’s curable..I believe that.
My partner dones not believe in meds. Not even asprin!!! But he did mention that he could be a bit depressed..not from his family..cause he does love us more than anything. But he’s so unhappy with his career.. being the CEO of a company he wants to ditch..is very hard on him..he wants and needs to work for himself..I think this adds to my anxiety.. he comes home very unhappy and deals with phone calls and problems all hours of the night. I feel for him, but I wish he would leave this crap at work and come enjoy us.. cause at the end of the day we are what matters.. I can not really relate to hating a job..I loved my job..and I miss my job every day!!
My partner doesn’t believe in depression or mental illness so it’s hard for him to understand what I’m going through..or even what he’s going through.. he’s a tough old school man. I hope he finds what he’s looking for..so we can live in harmony.
I know we are not the only ones going through these rough spots, but I’ve never witnessed anything like this..only time will tell if life will get better. So holding on is all I can do. I’ve seen so many people with failed marriages and breakups and that’s not me..I refuse to fail, but I refuse to live in anxiety.
I’m literally sick of hospital stays and doc. Apt. I just want to feel good again..I truly believe having my son shifted a chemical balance in my brain..which sucks..I just want to enjoy the little moments before he’s a cranky teen that back talks.