Random ramblings of an anxiety mind

Yesterday’s therapy went well. My therapist had read my blog which kinda kicked up the speed of him knowing who I am and what’s kinda going on in my mind. Also he said the most kind words ..that I have a gift for writing..that always surprises me..I’m  not a writer, I do not know punctuation, paragraphs or how to spell well. I write how I speak…whatever I think is how I write. When I ask my mom if my writings ok (she would know, she is a book worm and kinda a spell and grammar nerd) she told me a great writer with the last name, I believe Wolf.. he came around the same time Hemingway or a bit after. Well, he had words written with horrible run on sentences, but that’s what publisher’s and rewrites are for..or whoever  those spell check, paragraph, and punctuation fixers are called. I am not writing a book so my concern for a perfect paragraph is not what I’m aiming for..I just want to get my point across

After I picked Colin up from my parents, I called my partner and told him I’m on my way home. But I also told him how my therapist said my blog was good..and how he thought I was a natural writer..he commented… he’s paid to tell you that..he has to tell you that. Like my therapist is just blowing smoke up my butt. That really pissed me off. I’ve noticed any time someone pays me a complement he has to put me down.. if someone would tell me I looked good after having the baby, he would be fast to say..everyone tells woman that, to make them feel better.. or if people say I’m pretty or that I’ve lost weight or I’m good at this or that..he is always fast to say, oh..no they are just saying that. My mom thinks it’s probably his own insecurity, but I’m starting to be unsure..this is just typical behavior from him..he thinks he’s the best at everything..no one knows more than he.

This now let’s me flow right back to my therapy session yesterday..he said “boundaries” he wants me to start setting them with my partner…I made a comment about my partner being straight from 1926..and he wants to make sure I’m not falling into that same sentence. Maybe I’m following his stride in the whole bit..I probably am..just to prevent fights. You will never win with him..he will twist, turn yell and tell you he is right…hmmmm..I know so many people like this..everyone thinks they’re the boss and right. I genuinely feel bad for these types of people. It’s hard to keep real connections to people, when you’re such a pompous butt head.

So, this morning I’m thinking about boundaries and that I’m going to give myself more alone time. I’m thinking maybe once during the week and a couple hours on the weekend. I think I’ll start off with the partner watching Colin while I go for a walk one day this week and Saturday I’ll go use my gift cards. I’ll start off slow. As for boundaries..hmmm…this is going to be hard..partner rules the world, what he says goes..I’ll have to ponder that for a while..I truly just want respect.

Partners mom came over yesterday she made dinner and played with Colin..which is always great for me, but what I noticed is she makes excuses for his behavior…”oh, all men are like that” i have dated hundreds of people and I have 2 sisters.. I can ensure you, most men are not like this.. or she will try to say.. oh, he didn’t mean that, that way..he was kidding. It kills me, she never holds him accountable..own your shit dude!! I swear on every fiber of my being.. Colin will never speak to me the way my partner does and I will hold Colin accountable for every bad action, word or life mistake he makes. He will not carry on his father’s nasty personality flaws and mean spirit.. if I ever caught Colin being as rude as his father especially to the mother of his child I would slap his face so hard. Partners Mom is at fault too for his behaviors ..she excuses away all his evil.

We as mother’s and father’s need to raise healthy, able children..children that are held accountable for their actions and learn how to be respectful and responsible..you will fail at life without these important qualities.

I believe I have total accountability.. I own my shit..and I wouldn’t allow my own parents to walk all over me, why do I allow this man to? I deserve to be happy, healthy and to be appreciated..I need to wake up. I can’t change him, but I can only change myself. Am I willing to stick around and be treated this way..my partner says I sound like a victim..I hate that..I am not a victim. I need to find some common ground or I’ll have to make other life arrangements. This is key to my health. I am worth more..I need to see that and believe that. My life is worth it.

I also need to remember this blog is about me.. and no one else. I hear people saying..oh, you blame me or something along the “me” statements..this isn’t about you or how you’re at fault for some of my pain..I’m over that part of my life.. this is about myself.. “I”.. don’t make it about you. I need to help myself heal..not watch to make sure you look good.. my life, my story. I speak of the past and current parts of my life..so everyone, even me.. can see the whole picture.

This blog is to heal anxiety..and to figure out what’s causing it. Happy taco Tuesday.omg it’s Wednesday not Tuesday .I’ll be food prepping all day and cleaning my home. Food preparation for the week is awesome for anxiety prone people..less to worry about during the hectic anxiety roller-coaster…hope this blog is understandable..I’m so tired today..Colin was a real handful yesterday.

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2 thoughts on “Random ramblings of an anxiety mind

  1. I really enjoyed reading this one! I like the part about setting boundaries! I feel to me personally that something I tend to forget is possible with my husband.. ❤

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