Where I lost my Happy

This blog isn’t intended for someone that’s not ready to hear “real” life problems.. I’m about to type one of two of the worst days of my life. If you wish to just skip this one blog..that would be fine. It’s an important piece of the puzzle..but it’s my life and I chose to put it out there for anyone to read..your judgment should be kept to yourself and any negative reaction, will only prove..you’re incapable of functioning in a real life problem.. or if you judge me.. that makes you a horrible person with no real soul. If you know me.. the “real” me, then you know, I would have never ever allowed this to have happened to me.

I type this in hopes you can learn and teach your children, that this could happen to you or anyone! You must be aware of the people around you and what is going on in those people’s worlds..two big sayings”if you want to know who you’ll become, just look at your friends” “guilty by association” is real!! Use my story to help yourself or your children.. this could happen to anyone!!!

In therapy I had gone over a terribly rough spot in my life.. but while we were conversing he asked..what if that never happened to you, where would you be, what would have been different? I told him I believe I wouldn’t have taken a long break from  work, I would have a larger savings account, I totally know I would already be a successful Salon owner..some place maybe in San Diego or San Francisco..or a large Salon that offers wine and fancy coffee..right in my home town Temecula. Of course wine and cheese would be offered and a comfy robes to wear during your experience…yeah, but no..right now it does not exist.

September 2004 I was coming to the end of schooling to become a cosmetologist. It was a wonderful time in my life. I was happy, beautiful, had a brand new car..paid cash and had only a couple thousand dollars left of student loans. I had just met back up with the love of my life after years of not being in touch. We met back up at the Norco Rodeo.. I skipped class to attend the city’s annual rodeo..with all her friends and boyfriend.. he rode bulls..sounds cool, right! At the end of the bull riding there is a dance,..more of a party with loud country music…we had to finish our beers before getting the dance tickets and I’m rambling to my friend I can’t drink that fast..I look over and see this “guy” the man I’ve loved my entire life! He’s standing there with all his friends in tow..what’s he doing here. So..my tipsy self walked right over and spoke to him..as if no time or drama had happened..we chatted, then all went to the dance..we exchanged numbers and he told me I’ll call you tomorrow..I was thrilled.

I went home the next morning showered and changed..he did call and wanted to hang out…OK you know where this is going..we end up together, we are perfect for eachother and anyone who sees us mentions, that man is head over heals for you.. I knew it..and I the same for him. He treated me like his queen. Who wouldn’t love that!

He starts coming into my school so I can practice on him..waxing, dying,cutting,facials anything I needed to complete, he’s going to let me try..on him.

We spent every moment I wasn’t at work or school together..he’s my best friend and I just want evey moment I can get with him.he took me to Hawaii bought me beautiful things..you get it, the man was perfect!

But not so perfect.. he was a bad boy and had bad boy friends. But that never bothered me or my family. He’s a doll in their eyes.

One day he and one of his bad boy friend decide to become roommates..cool. they move in together and on occasion have a small party..now I’m still working 40 hour weeks and going to school 30 hours a week..so I’m busy.

One night September 10th I go have dinner with a girlfriend and they are having a joined birthday party..lots of people and noise..the cops come twice before I even make it to their house..I pull up and he’s obviously wasted..we got into a fight.. we have never had a fight before this..he took my keys and hid them..I couldn’t leave.. he also threw my purse outside..right before bringing in a hose..to the house, to hose me down..not good behavior at all..just as I walk out the front door cops show up…uhhhohhh

I ask one of the 10 cops to please retrieve my keys.. they knock on the door nobody answers..the cops go into the back yard and find a window open..oh good get me my keys..Nope, this room that was his bad boy friends room was nothing more than a room stored full of hydroponics marijuana..I swear on my life I never knew existed..my mind now is spinning.. meanwhile he had left the house through the back yard..leaving me and his bad boy friend to handle this shit fuck mess..I’m thinking this is not my home I’m leaving..nope..take a seat for a bit..the cops tell me..a lot is going on now, but those details I’ll just leave out, or this will become a novel straight from the dark side of hell.

Now on to the attic..all I can hear is “bingo” and crummy little remarks..I thought they found him..nope they found hundreds of plants..this truly has become a horror movie being played out in my life..so of course I get arrested and so does bad boy friend..this is all bad boy friends marijuana and fault!!

I’m hauled away soaking wet with zero shoes on..I sit in a room while they interrograte me until the early hours..before moving me to the JAIL..I’ve never been arrested or been inside a jail in my life..and I swear to you this..I knew nothing that was going down in that house..but guilty by association I’ve heard of, but never knew was a legitimate charge in court..let me tell you, I was connected to these guys for the soul reason of being a guilty by association!

If you know me, you know..weed is not something I do or even care about..I completely at this point in my life loath marijuana.. everyone knows this.. and for the love of God would never grow it!! These will all be hard lessons learned in the end.. the end of 3 years!

I was mortified,  grieved for years..it was so hard to grasp the fact I had been arrested for something I’ve always talked poorly about..this couldn’t be happening..I’ve only had a speeding ticket once in my life!

I was arrested on 4 felony charges of cultivation..I had to strip down naked and put on blue jail uniform..wtf just happened to me..I cried the whole 22 hours of hell,as I sat in that cell waiting on my 25000$ bond to come to my rescue.. now my parents know me and my soul..so they never once questioned my actions in this mess..because this was not a thing that I would ever be a part of..everyone knows that..wrong place wrong time.. but always remember you are who you hang with.. I tell him this all the time..when he now wants to hang with his bad boy friends..

I make bail and retained the best attorney that could fight my mess.. he got all of the felony charges dropped and I got a misdemeanor..owning a home for illegal purposes.. total bulls shit..I am forever grateful for my family at my old job.. they would hold me up and pay for my attorney fees..they are my family, my rock, they are there for anything I’ve ever needed..I’m forever in debt to them..this lady that paid for my freedom is my best buddy and I loved her as if I was her daughter..she knows my whole life and would move the earth to make me happy.

I’d pay my fines and take drug classes..my friends and coworkers at first grieved with me, but then we could Crack jokes about how “i” had to take drug classes..ridiculous.

I got through it all and it isn’t on my record..but it stole my soul forever..that bright, Happy, goal chasing, madly in love girl was gone..as gone as her boyfriend locked away for marijuana. a drug he has never in his life consumed. That’s right..you want to know who you are just look at your friends..you will become them no matter what you are, or, what you are not.

I got through those hard time..I lost so much weight. I weighed 84 pounds to be exact..the stress was killing me..court killed me..the fact I’d been arrested killed me..and knowing I had to walk away from the love of my life killed me..

It’s safe to say I put my life on the back burner and laid as low as I could.. it broke my heart and spirit..it robbed me of my momentum of growth that I had such a fast pace completing. My dreams simmered down and I would wait for the ashes to clear..I never really healed..I still hold anger towards him..even though it’s not his fault. I’m angry that scum bag was able to pull this over my eyes and his and we are paying the price.

That arrest discredited all the good inside me..it would speak in volumes what a dirt bag I was..well, to people that didn’t know me..thank God  its not on my record..I could never explain that to a new job. I was applying to.

So I allowed something like this to steal my most loved time of life..graduating college,  working in my first salon. Or example I would have had kids earlier..who knows..all I know is this was my life..and it’s very hard to put it out there where anyone can read, but it’s real, raw and my heart..it happened and we have to move on.. I moved on to other boyfriends, side jobs, but it never made me happy..he’s the part that was missing.. I’ve always have and always will be in love with that bad boy.

Years go bye..I’m 30ish and he tracks me down through old friends..this pissed me off. Like leave me alone..your drama left a bad taste in my mouth, but truth is if you love them let them go, if they come back they are yours… and I’ve always been his..love is not a noun it’s an adjective. In my case it’s both

That was then, this is now..our love and connection is far stronger than anything I could imagine.

He’s a fantastic father and partner..works hard, but he did have a bad boy reputation. A bad boy in love with a good girl..we’ve made it this far……but yes I’m still angry..so much wasted time.

But if life had shifted and I was never willing to take this bad boy back there would be no Colin and no little family in this cute home and nice things..this is our rainbow after our storm

So go ahead and judge me now.. now that you know my dirty laundry..yes, shit happens to great people on their greatest days..this is my ..no more shame. Everyone has a story good or bad and we can learn from the mistakes any way you feel fit. But this my dear, will never define my character..it’s just a chapter in this life i call my hell book.


2 thoughts on “Where I lost my Happy

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