Today I feel a bit more calm..well, than yesterday. All I wanted to do was sleep all day..sleep is the only relief I get from anxiety.. that’s if you’re able to sleep. I usually need atleast one xanex to send me into sleep mode. And if I can wake around 3am to shower, put on makeup and blog..before Colin wakes up..I can usually start my day off well.
Yesterday started off tough..I woke when Colin did..I stubbed my toe..badly! I’ll probably end up without a toe nails as it heals..we haven’t been out of the house in days..but today I decided we will leave and visit my mom..we can leave early, go have coffee and she will probably feed him..these little things help me stay sane.
I’ve noticed my home is becoming a trigger.. if you stay inside your home too long..it’s like having cabin fever except it’s anxiety fever for those who suffer..I’m not use to be locked up this much..I need to get out. As much as anxiety attacks will want you to stay locked away. The best thing to do is to get out and about. This is hard with a crazy two year old..it can cause stress that builds up to anxiety, but it must be done.
Yesterday I started to notice my meds. Are starting to decline in its strength, I’ll probably make a doc apt today to have them adjusted..you have to do this every now and then.. they kinda wear down..and stop working as well..this is not good for my recovery.. I want to be off meds but I think for now, I’m too out of control to be off them…I need to be on them for a healthy calm to raise my son..or it would not be fair to him…he would be watching me go through attacks, which he has..and he does get worried about me..that is not ok!!
This might take years to get a hold of this problem..but what other choice do I have? Anxiety controls me..not the other way around..I pray a lot..I ask God..why me..why do I have to have this.. well, why not me? I just don’t want to lose anymore time of my life. It’s slipping by so fast..I’ll never get these moments back with my child..so I pray, let this pass fast.. so I can get on with my life.. I will share my story and search for the answer and share it with anyone that will hear me.
I do have good days, yet they are seldom.. they wax on wax off.. but I try to enjoy the little days that are there, but they are so far and few apart..they are my life..what a bummer. I truck along, but I’m having a harder time now putting my mask of fake happiness on..and I should have to wear it.. I’m going through this and it’s real.
Happy Friday..here’s to a low anxiety day.