I want to kinda go over my relationship.. even though my mom says, are you sure you want to talk about him in your blog.. I’m not sure she understands the healing or the process I’m taking to heal myself..I think also we are completely opossite. I’m a total open book, I do not hide or lie about my life or struggles. I’ve always been myself even on bad days..I am not a chameleon.I sometimes thinks she hides who she is or will become whoever she thinks people want her to be.. that is not a bad thing, tons of people are that way. I’m just created differently.. I’m not a prisoner of my own shame. I put it all out there for anyone to see. That’s probably why I’ve held so many real relationships for so long.
My partner and I have love for eachother so deep. But it hasn’t always been so easy. I’ve become extremely sensitive and he is very rough and sarcastic. So, while dealing with my new circumstances of life.. anxiety, panic disorder and ppd. His sarcastic, rough behavior will start to hurt me and get under my skin…I will start to wonder if his personality is changing or if it’s just me that is struggling to deal with his behavior. Maybe my anxiety is making me not be able to handle his roughness.
He at times is so hard on me..I can never do anything right.. from loading the dishwasher to changing my child’s diaper.. he rides my ass on everything. Why is he so hard on me, like I’m his teen child being scolded.
He has a lot on his plate right now. Trying to buy a new business, holding down a job he can’t stand, bringing home all the money and paying a mortgage on a home he owns. He’s tired, sore and frustrated. And I’m his verbal punching bag for his relief. Sometimes I believe he’s the one that has the anxiety and not me.
We bicker back and forth. Which drives me crazy. But this has become kinda the norm in our house. But sometimes I get really upset..I will say.. that’s enough for today please..or I will cry and say why are you so mean!! He will reply I’m just kidding and at times he will yell..and say things not worth repeating.. I’m too embarrassed to repeat. They are extremely hurtful.
Some people may question why I don’t leave him. Well, because I’ve loved this man since I was 15..he’s the one I want to grow old with. And I’m thinking maybe my current state of mind is causing this anguish in our life.
We all have troubling times in our relationships, but if we all would just throw in the towel when times got tough..no one would be happy..we would all have failed at making things work..giving up isn’t the answer..it’s only the answer if it truly can’t be fixed. I believe we can get through our tough time and working on myself is going to change my relationship.
I’m still madly in love with my partner and the best is yet to come.. our plates are full right now. But instead of blowing up at eachother or me being sensitive..we need to learn to communicate our feelings.. this is hard for him..he’s a brick wall.
But only time will tell if we are strong enough to stick this out.. can love hold two dysfunctional people together…? Therapy helps my mind figure through all this.. my therapy is opening my mind to look at things differently..I love my therapy sessions..I would love to go every day. Time goes so fast in that chair, but it’s working!!
If you would like to know how to make an appointment to my therapist.. message me and I will give you his contact information. He’s the best therapist I’ve been to.. I’ve seen a lot.