Pictures, without me in them.

As you know, I take a million pictures of my baby boy and some of them have his father in them too..but I am obviously  absent from these photos.. there are reasons behind this..first being, his father doesn’t take photos..I’m the one capturing all the moments.. number two is.. I think selfies are lame.. number three..I’m always a hot mess..number four..I don’t like who’s in those pictures..I use to be all about taking pictures of myself..when I was happy, but now I’m not happy and when I see a picture of myself..I see pain and sadness. I also snap hundreds of pictures of my son’s life.. because I want to remember those moments of him.. see, I’ve  not felt like I’ve been present in my life..and I’m having a hard time remembering all these small moments.. I capturing my son in pictures so I can sit and look back on them, helps me remember those tiny moments..even if I’m missing from most of the photos..I know I was there enjoying them.. maybe I’m in a dark place right now, but I’m there…snapping away these moments that are passing so fast, even though I am having a hard time.

Now some people might say it’s because I believe my beauty and body has, that is why I do not put myself in to the photo.. that might have a tiny role in it as well, but really I look just the same..just older, a little tired and a few more pounds than I’ve ever been.. but, let me tell you.. that is not the issue of my absence in these’s just that baby boy and his father are my life.. and I want to grab ahold of every expression they make to eachother and I want to look back and see it in print. I do not want to look back and see me at my worst time of my life..I don’t want to capture those moments of hell. instead of asking why I’m not in photos or why don’t I post more photos of me with the baby.. you will have this answer. I occasionally post one or two of us, but that’s when my hair, makeup and my happiness is at its fullest..yes, it’s that seldom all three of those things are in perfect harmony. But they are there and I can see and feel how happy I am in those moments.

Pictures not only capture a moment in time..they speak a thousand words and it’s the words they say that can haunt you.. so.. for now pictures will be seldom..of me. But I will keep posting and snapping those tiny moment of Colin and his father. And now, because of my excellent Christmas gift..Colin and his father gave me.. an awesome camera! A much needed gift I never imagined I could receive.. totally a surprise. My camera phone was taking horrible photos of my beautiful  son. I would look at the photos and get angry..they are so fuzzy!! I need to capture his soul and how could I when I was snapping photos that seemed to look as if I am feeling. But now I have an upgrade and can see much clearer images. That is one of the nicest things that man has done for me…in a long time, but that’s another story, for another day.. I will be putting my relationship front and center..soon. No relationship is perfect.. I don’t care who you are or what you say.. sometimes our relationships can be hard and full of difficulty..I will be writing about those moments soon.

Happy Tuesday is therapy day..I’m ready for my session..I need my session. Here’s to happy healing and pictures of tiny moments.



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