The question that broke me..

My last therapy session was awesome, not really though I had gone into his office a nervous wreck..I had been on a three day anxiety roller coaster…I was keeping it at a low raging one with the meds. But meds don’t always work.. sometimes, especially around my period or when I’ve had sleepless nights, the anxiety is like a slippery pig, while trying to calm it’s energy down.

He says that in our last session he had asked me questions that obviously made me have a reaction..I cried..I cry a lot. He wanted to address them in our session now..first question..do I worry about the future? My eyes tear up and I’m crying again..yes, I worry about my future..his reply..what makes you worried? I tell him  how I worry about security, security is my major worry. I worry about my relationship, I worry about money, I worry about where I’ll be in 10 years. These are all things in my mind that everyone worries about. My relationship will be fine..our money is more than fine and security..well, security is never a sure thing..not for anyone!! But security is also everything I just listed..money, relationships, work..so, in reality your whole life is never secure.   (I’m not sure if that paragraph makes sense to you, the reader as it does in my head)

He explains that nothing in our life is secure and that being present in your life is what counts and will carry you in those times of unsecured. Or something along those lines.. to tell you the truth..I didn’t hear his reply to mine..cause all I could focus on was that I’m totally freaked about the future! Now I am going over in my head that my security isn’t secure. Even right now as I’m typing all I can think of is that my future is a scary, who knows what’s going to happen… yuck.. next subject.

Here comes the question that rattled my foundation I sit on.. “what do you like about yourself?” … I sat in that chair and was totally thrown a fastball I could not catch. I looked that man dead in his eyes, as my tears pour down my face and replied “nothing, nothing at all, I hate myself” he seemed sad..he said “nothing” ..yup, nothing.. I could make you a list of everything I use to like about myself.. that old girl that left this body and mind years ago, had a huge ego and a list of loves about herself. But not anymore… I think he was shocked and sad. So I asked him..well, what is it that you like about yourself..he was surprised I turned his questions back to him..he answered, but I won’t share, because it’s his answer..not mine.

We meet again  tomorrow and we just kinda left that last session dangling as is..I can’t wait for what’s in store for me tomorrow.

This blog made me feel really shitty again..kinda like I feel sorry for that girl who is writing this blog.. blah. Time for bed…if I can sleep. Now I just sound like a pathetic victim of my life.. and that’s exactly what I don’t want to start doing. Sometimes therapy seems to break you down, right before it can build you up.. or maybe a lobotomy would be better at this point..see, there I go being nasty Nancy. I can’t stand people that are victims and I do not want to sound that way.

 

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