The start of healing

After finding a physician that fit my needs, I felt relief start to set in..this woman is going to take my broken pieces and put me back together. She would put me on a low dose of ativan and have a complete blood work panel done. Because in my mind I was sure it had to be hormonal..after all I did not start feeling this way until I became pregnant. But the blood work came back and I was as normal as any other 30 something should be..except for having low vitamin d levels. So, I started taking vitamin d and went on my way, with my benzos in hand..I would need those benzos every single day of my life. My anxiety was a raging monster!

One morning.. it was a Friday, my partner was out of state on work.. I woke in a sweaty panic.. oh, God!! I reached for that bottle of meds faster than I could run. I sat and waited for the meds to kick in..damn it! It’s not working!! I grabbed more..but soon those pills ran out.. I called my mother at work. Mom, I’m having an attack, I need help. There was nothing she could do. She’s  not a doctor. But she did have a coworker that suffers as I do, she has found a way to ease her disorder through months of trial and error medications. My mother would bum a couple of her higher dose of meds. Then swing them over to my home. I could relax, after she brought me medication. But before she would come deliver the magic relief..I called my doctors office panicking…help I’m in full blown panic mode and nothing is touching my attack. She scheduled me for an appointment 4 days later.. yeah, cause that was going to fix me at this moment…lame doctors. I made it through the next couple days.

My visit to my doctor went as planned..they changed me from ativan to xanex, and started me on’s used for p.p.d and anxiety disorders..OK, cool. We are on the road to a better life.. ha, ha not so fast!! The effexor was a wicked step mother from hell! Get me off this shit.. I took my self off, but the withdrawal was something fierce..yucky. but anything was better than that shit medication.

So, weeks go by.. it’s December now and my mother is getting ready to retire. 3 days to be exact. I did not sleep at all one night and anxiety was in full rage once again.4am I’m grasping the phone..I want to call my mommy..I can’t take this.. I need help! I have to go to the hospital.. I call her waking her from her sleep. MOM, I’M HAVING AN ATTACK! she tried to calm me, but that doesn’t work when you are in full blown panic disorder. My sweet mom wakes up gets dressed..grabs a bottle of wine and a pack of smokes and heads to my home..she arrives, fixed my son breakfast, cause I couldn’t care for him..I couldn’t care for myself. But now she has to leave for work. I wanted her to stay, but duty calls and she must go.

Around 6am I text Colin’s dad..I hate talking to him about my panic shit..he thinks it’s a joke. I say I’m full blown out of control panicking.. I need your mom to come watch Colin. I need to go to the hospital. She comes to my rescue. I leave heading straight to the hospital.. two minutes from my home. I’m admitted and fixed, once again.

Now, I get home make another appointment to the doctor. I walk into her office this time at complete wits end.. fix me or put me into a crazy person hospital.. I want to go to a rehab for anxiety, I will not and can not live like this! By this time I had already been in touch with a rehab center for anxiety located in northern  california.. I literally almost had my bags packed. But the doc. Said let’s change your meds. She upped my xanex and put me on buspar.

First day on buspar.. wow, this is great!! Could this be the answer? She also gave me a referral to see a therapist, but that would take weeks to go through my insurance. But I felt great, best part Buspar is non addictive. Could this be what I’ve needed? Time will only tell.

Time passed and still feeling therapy session  was set and ready..and I was happy to see him, yet I really need this man?? Of course your crazy ass needs this man! Your life is one shit hole right now!

I drop Colin at my now retired mom’s home and head to my first session…now this gets intense..

To be will be a wild ride



8 thoughts on “The start of healing

  1. I have had anxiety and panic attacks for over 60 years. I would pass out in assembly when I just started school. I have had panic attacks that have lasted 3 – 4 days, and was told that they were migraines. It wasn’t until I moved to America, that I was diagnosed correctly. I am glad that you found something that works for you.

    Liked by 1 person

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