The first months of my baby’s life..helplessness

I want to go back to when Colin was an infant..these were the most hard of times. Colin’s father worked 14 hour days and I would be stuck in the house with this infant and all my thoughts.. ALONE! Our days would be filled with feedings, diaper changes and just complete aloneness. His father would come home to a clean house and dinner on the table..he would finish the meal, I’d clean up..he’d be up the stairs, shower and in bed..while I would stay down stairs caring for our son. He was only happy tucked tight into the swing of heaven.. I call it heaven, because he lived in this contraption 90% of his day..it kept him happy and me sane. But I’ve never felt more alone.

Colin’s  father I’ve known since middle school and have been in love with since I was 15 years old..we’ve had our ups and downs, but our love story is far deeper than anyone I’ve ever witnessed.. I was always the center of this man’s world.. now I know he loves me more than the air he’s breathing. But life shifted..we have a new baby thrown into the mix.. he works harder than any man on this earth. He provides a beautiful home full of all our needs.. so…why do I feel so unwanted and alone? Could this be my mind playing it’s awful games on me..or was it postpartum taking over my life? Sure, he isn’t the most understand, he’s  very hard headed and at times it could look as if he has no empathy. But I love this man and I know he loves me. But I feel as if his heart has hardened..I’m  no longer this man’s world..could that just be my paranoia in full rage? I’m still figuring that one out..he is a complex man with a laundry list of life altering tramas..that he is guilty of creating, even though he lacks total accountability.

Anyway, so the first year of my child’s life..I’m alone. The baby weight is not coming off..and as you know, I’m an extremely tiny person..well, not post baby. I’m a new size with a changed mind set…a very unhealthy mindset.

I would watch these mother’s dote on their beautiful new born baby.. and wonder if I will ever feel or be able to be that kind of mother.. don’t get this twisted.. Colin is my world! That child knows nothing but utter wild love. I love him so much and worry about him so much that I would struggle having my own parents care for him.. even if I needed a break..I needed a break!! I needed help! I would let my stubbornness not allow me to reach out..to anyone!!! I would burden my own hell, just to watch my son… this is not healthy behavior. Every mother needs help!

One night I would climb the stairs to my master bath and lay in a pool full of bubbles.. contemplating death.. yes, I said death. Death sounded easier than the Hell inside my head. Would Colin and his father be happier without me in their world.. after all, I’m not the person I use to be.. she is dead already. My sickness was pushing my family apart..as I lay in the bath..Colin and his father pull back the curtains of my peaceful time out..I burst into tears..I say I’m not a good mom..my child hated me and I hated my new body and self as well..quickly his father yelled.. get over it..snap out of it..he can’t understand my pain, he never will. I can no longer go to him for my issues.. I’m truly all alone. Yes, death sounded nice.

I have always been a care taker, always the one to help..but now I was the one that needed help..how will I get through this..I will ponder this question for months..I would live like a zombie.

Of course I would never want to die, but those thoughts did cross my mind..I’m past that moment of despair..and getting healthier everyday now.

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