The beginning of the Hell

I’ve decided to start my blog going backwards through my life, back when Anxiety first reared it’s ugly head. It was the end of September 2013 I started to feel a very unsettling feeling in the pit of my stomach..almost like when you’re a child waiting for Santa to arrive or the feeling of when you are on a roller coaster.. except santa was not arriving and there was no roller coaster to exit from. That feeling persisted for days.. then came the agony of insomnia. That was a game changer! I could not sleep, I felt as if I was on a stimulant, that would not allow me to close my eyes.. my nerves stood on end and the thought I was going to die kept running through my mind. On the 8th night of no sleep around midnight I woke my mother from her ambien sleep.. I need to go to the hospital, I can’t live through this.. I remember pacing the house.. repeating the words ” this too shall pass” it never passed..I was in full blown panic disorder. It had its arms wrapped around me so tight. The only way out was the hospital..I arrived to the hospital where they checked me for a heart attack..then learned it was nothing more than the dreaded anxiety/panic attacks. I really had no idea exactly what anxiety was.. I’m not a stressful person…I’m completely the opposite.. carefree, a free bird.. marching to the beat of my own drum. The doctor gave me two shots of adivan and sent me home with a prescription.. I felt wonderful once again, but they came back..I naturally saw a doctor and filled the next bottle of medication.

Now here comes the wrench in the wheel… I thought maybe I was pregnant! Sure enough, as fast as I peed on that stick it was clear.. I’m having a baby! Oh, so maybe the anxiety was only hormonal??? Wishful thinking at its finest.

I made an appointment immediately after finding out I was pregnant. Because I had been on dangerous benzos that could have serious side effects to an unborn fetus, plus I was feeling like shit, without the medication. My obgyn immediately sent me to a high risk office that could check and watch my child..because high doses of benzos are known to cause cleft palate and other scary effects.

SO, 9 months no sleep, no benzos and complete overwhelming fear I’ve done something horrible to my unborn child. My baby boy was born June 23 2014.. 26 hours of the worst pain of my life.. healthy, handsome, sweet 7lbs 8oz bundle of joy..but, that happy moment came to a halt…..he had a raging infection a white blood count 80 times higher than a regular baby. He was wisked to the nicu, where he spent the next weeks of his new life being pumped full of high doses of antibiotics 2 times a day..we made it through though.. and best part…I was sleeping for the first time in 9 months. Could this be the end of the Hell I endured..anxiety from hell, due to pregnancy?? Ha, ha..this would be only the beginning of hell on earth.

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